he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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