i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
