I smell stomach acid.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
