Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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