Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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