His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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