On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
