Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
