you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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