to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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