I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
