You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
