cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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