girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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