Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
