I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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