How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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