I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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