I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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