I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
