Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
