Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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