just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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