can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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