I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Randomize
