I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
