also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
