I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Randomize
