Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Acid is not a monday night drug
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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