I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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