Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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