In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
