So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
