I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
