My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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