I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
