??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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