yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
