Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
My vagina just clenched in fear
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
