weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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