So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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