Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
