You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Ketchup is God's man juice
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
