On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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