You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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