What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
