if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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