I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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