I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
