True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
