she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
