omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
