Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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