Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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