It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
we're making bets on your personal life
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
