Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
