she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
