I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
