I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
